Friday, February 24, 2012
Dostoevsky's words to live by...
"And with love one live even without happiness. Life is good even in sorrow, it's good to live in the world, no matter how." As a jaded son of a bitch, these words speak even to me. I want to believe them, and I think I do, especially the next part: "And what is there here except...stench. Phew!" So many times, everyday when I'm not so busied, do I ask myself if it's all worth it, and what does it mean for it to be worth it, or not worth it. Would it have been better for me to never be at all? I don't know. Magic 8-ball says signs point to yes. But inside me there's always been .099th% of doubt--doubt about everything, about my existence, about God, about everything--this time a healthy, life-saving doubt, the doubt that keeps one going, the doubt that says "you're wrong in the most wonderful way. You're wrong about the stench. You're wrong about it all being shit." Well, it is shit, but there's a gem of joy underneath all the shit. I don't know where it is. I don't know for sure that it's there. That's another doubt. But I can't be sure that it's all for nothing and that the nothing is not worth fighting for. Maybe, somehow, it really is better to live in the world. I don't know how. I don't know it's not. Maybe the not knowing is the is.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
This is an exercise in writing and social analysis. It's not good.
So I walked into the living room and on was an episode of 'the big bang theory.' The show depicted four mid-twenties male buddies in an apartment playing video games, and very much into it. In the midst of their adrenal euphoria, the front door opens to introduce a gaggle of four conventionally hot bombshells. The boys, concentrating solely on the galactic struggle at hand, fail to even notice the sudden change of scenery. A fifth woman, clearly a friend of the buds, exclaims that she's brought these women for the sexual delight of the buds. But the boys remain utterly oblivious to the beautiful women. So the beautiful women give each other a shrug of "iiuuoo", and turn away, shutting the door behind them, thus shutting close the boys' chance at some serious sex. Hearing the door close, one boy stops the game and says "I thought I heard something," but then figures it must have been nothing, and they continue on their merry gaming. The laugh track plays, and the credits roll. What a hilarious closing. These socially awkward boys were so caught up in their childish game that they missed their opportunity to have sex with beautiful women. They should have dropped their little game, high five each other, and promptly gone for the sex. This scene sends the message that the highest achievement a dude can make, or at least the highest level of pleasure that also awards serious social brownie points, is sex with a beautiful woman, often a stranger. So not only were boys behaving in a childish way, they were in effect stupid, missing the obviously most important thing they could do with themselves. The pursuit of sex is somehow now an intellectual pursuit: why wouldn't you want the highest good--sex--over anything else? While I think video games stifle creativity and talent, what these friends were doing was not simply playing videos games: they were being friends, working together as a team to achieve a goal, albeit a cheap and trivial goal. But the message was clear: men want/need sex, women have sex; if you pass up sex, there's something hilariously stupidly risible about you. In spit of this, there could be a positive message if viewed from an angle that the producers did not intend, that is, that people should not yield to societal expectations about what they should want and how they should act in the world, but should focus on the things that they connect with and develop themselves as persons.
Ok, this has been a very disorganized post, and I'm not sure I even agree with myself or know what I'm talking about. But I'm trying to work on my organization and writing skills, which somehow never improve. Critical thinking and writing are arts that should go together. Sometimes a person has one without the other, some people have neither.
So I walked into the living room and on was an episode of 'the big bang theory.' The show depicted four mid-twenties male buddies in an apartment playing video games, and very much into it. In the midst of their adrenal euphoria, the front door opens to introduce a gaggle of four conventionally hot bombshells. The boys, concentrating solely on the galactic struggle at hand, fail to even notice the sudden change of scenery. A fifth woman, clearly a friend of the buds, exclaims that she's brought these women for the sexual delight of the buds. But the boys remain utterly oblivious to the beautiful women. So the beautiful women give each other a shrug of "iiuuoo", and turn away, shutting the door behind them, thus shutting close the boys' chance at some serious sex. Hearing the door close, one boy stops the game and says "I thought I heard something," but then figures it must have been nothing, and they continue on their merry gaming. The laugh track plays, and the credits roll. What a hilarious closing. These socially awkward boys were so caught up in their childish game that they missed their opportunity to have sex with beautiful women. They should have dropped their little game, high five each other, and promptly gone for the sex. This scene sends the message that the highest achievement a dude can make, or at least the highest level of pleasure that also awards serious social brownie points, is sex with a beautiful woman, often a stranger. So not only were boys behaving in a childish way, they were in effect stupid, missing the obviously most important thing they could do with themselves. The pursuit of sex is somehow now an intellectual pursuit: why wouldn't you want the highest good--sex--over anything else? While I think video games stifle creativity and talent, what these friends were doing was not simply playing videos games: they were being friends, working together as a team to achieve a goal, albeit a cheap and trivial goal. But the message was clear: men want/need sex, women have sex; if you pass up sex, there's something hilariously stupidly risible about you. In spit of this, there could be a positive message if viewed from an angle that the producers did not intend, that is, that people should not yield to societal expectations about what they should want and how they should act in the world, but should focus on the things that they connect with and develop themselves as persons.
Ok, this has been a very disorganized post, and I'm not sure I even agree with myself or know what I'm talking about. But I'm trying to work on my organization and writing skills, which somehow never improve. Critical thinking and writing are arts that should go together. Sometimes a person has one without the other, some people have neither.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Gospel of Thomas knows St.Paul
I think that the Gospel of Thomas shows awareness of Pauline themes, and perhaps even Paul's letters.
Let's begin with Logion
Now some may sneer, saying that this quotation is simply the same quote from Isiaha, which Paul utilizes. Some may also say that it reflects a common tradition between Thomas and Paul, while others may suggest that it is a genuine quote from Jesus which Paul reminds his audience of, and Thomas retains. Two the latter suggestions, I need only reply that an extant written source is generally preferred to a hypothetical written/oral source, so it is the safest to say that it is directly Pauline.
Now to the former objection, it is unlikely that Thomas would quote from the Scriptures, because he holds some distate for Judaism and LXX Christians. Let us look at Logion 52:
His disciples said to him, "Twenty-four prophets have spoken in Israel, and they all spoke of you." He said to them, "You have disregarded the living one who is in your presence, and have spoken of the dead."
In keeping with the grouping of sayings in Thomas, this Logion is followed by another anti-Judaic saying:
53. His disciples said to him, "Is circumcision useful or not?" He said to them, "If it were useful, their father would produce children already circumcised from their mother. Rather, the true circumcision in spirit has become profitable in every respect."
Now here Jesus seems to reflect a paulinist tradition about the 'true circumcision of the heart.' Although this Logion exchanges spirit for heart, the pauline tradition is apparent.
Back to Logion 52--the dead--we can postulate that other references to 'the dead' may have the Old Testament in mind. Earlier on in Logion 11 then: Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die. During the days when you ate what is dead, you made it come alive. When you are in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one, you became two. But when you become two, what will you do?"
As a final note, in no other case does Thomas quote from the LXX.
Another possible allusion to Paul would be Thomas' use of Adam as a prototypical character. Adam is central in Paul's explanation of his soteriology in Romans. For instances, in Logion 85, Jesus states:
"Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, he would not have died." We certainly have the idea that Adam was a failure before God.
Perhaps we have some recourse to Adam in the Book of Jubilees, but it is difficult to tell how popular this book actually was. In any case, I need to develop this better. These are just some ideas.
But it seems here that Thomas knows at least 1st Corinthians and possibly Romans, or even Galatians.
Let's begin with Logion
Now some may sneer, saying that this quotation is simply the same quote from Isiaha, which Paul utilizes. Some may also say that it reflects a common tradition between Thomas and Paul, while others may suggest that it is a genuine quote from Jesus which Paul reminds his audience of, and Thomas retains. Two the latter suggestions, I need only reply that an extant written source is generally preferred to a hypothetical written/oral source, so it is the safest to say that it is directly Pauline.
Now to the former objection, it is unlikely that Thomas would quote from the Scriptures, because he holds some distate for Judaism and LXX Christians. Let us look at Logion 52:
His disciples said to him, "Twenty-four prophets have spoken in Israel, and they all spoke of you." He said to them, "You have disregarded the living one who is in your presence, and have spoken of the dead."
In keeping with the grouping of sayings in Thomas, this Logion is followed by another anti-Judaic saying:
53. His disciples said to him, "Is circumcision useful or not?" He said to them, "If it were useful, their father would produce children already circumcised from their mother. Rather, the true circumcision in spirit has become profitable in every respect."
Now here Jesus seems to reflect a paulinist tradition about the 'true circumcision of the heart.' Although this Logion exchanges spirit for heart, the pauline tradition is apparent.
Back to Logion 52--the dead--we can postulate that other references to 'the dead' may have the Old Testament in mind. Earlier on in Logion 11 then: Jesus said, "This heaven will pass away, and the one above it will pass away. The dead are not alive, and the living will not die. During the days when you ate what is dead, you made it come alive. When you are in the light, what will you do? On the day when you were one, you became two. But when you become two, what will you do?"
As a final note, in no other case does Thomas quote from the LXX.
Another possible allusion to Paul would be Thomas' use of Adam as a prototypical character. Adam is central in Paul's explanation of his soteriology in Romans. For instances, in Logion 85, Jesus states:
"Adam came from great power and great wealth, but he was not worthy of you. For had he been worthy, he would not have died." We certainly have the idea that Adam was a failure before God.
Perhaps we have some recourse to Adam in the Book of Jubilees, but it is difficult to tell how popular this book actually was. In any case, I need to develop this better. These are just some ideas.
But it seems here that Thomas knows at least 1st Corinthians and possibly Romans, or even Galatians.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Our Lady of perpetual hemorrhoids
Argh,
Why is it than whenever I want to study I get too hungry and need to eat food. I've spend too much money. I'm not going to buy anything. I'm going home and making something delightful, then I'm coming back to the library.
Also, why is it that I want to stay up and read and think and study, but then I gotta go to bed? And then I sleep like feces cuz I gotta get up early! They should have class at 11 at night.
Man.........funk dat!
Why is it than whenever I want to study I get too hungry and need to eat food. I've spend too much money. I'm not going to buy anything. I'm going home and making something delightful, then I'm coming back to the library.
Also, why is it that I want to stay up and read and think and study, but then I gotta go to bed? And then I sleep like feces cuz I gotta get up early! They should have class at 11 at night.
Man.........funk dat!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
the tale of the night monger
I couldn't remember the last time I stayed up so late. When I was younger I lived by night. What now is just an hour stretching farther and farther til dawn, greeted only with a groan--morning has come and you gotta get up, no matter how you slept, no matter if you slept, you gotta get up--was the hour that shot by like some twinkle in the sky, like a dream. I could sleep during the morning; what was there to do in the morning anyway? I lived on a different plane while the rest of the world slept.
What's what I wanted to believe anyway. But it's true, now my night is just something to get through peacefully, something to preserve because it's the time set aside to recuperate for the next day. I always liked the morning, but I was never a morning person. I liked the bright golden morning and I liked the cool breezey mid-day and I liked the warm afternoon and I liked the sun setting in the evening and I liked late night, but I loved the dead night hours. There was no life then, but I was active. I've spent so long waiting for life to happen til I realized that life is happening but I'm not happening with it. Where have I been? I'm under there somewhere. Now that life is happening how do I happen with it?
What's what I wanted to believe anyway. But it's true, now my night is just something to get through peacefully, something to preserve because it's the time set aside to recuperate for the next day. I always liked the morning, but I was never a morning person. I liked the bright golden morning and I liked the cool breezey mid-day and I liked the warm afternoon and I liked the sun setting in the evening and I liked late night, but I loved the dead night hours. There was no life then, but I was active. I've spent so long waiting for life to happen til I realized that life is happening but I'm not happening with it. Where have I been? I'm under there somewhere. Now that life is happening how do I happen with it?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
breaktime
Well my first quarter at grad school has been the most stressful and depressing time of my life; way worse than highschool. But I'm trekking forth, because I'd rather fail than give up.
For my break I'm back home at my folks' in the great city of Modesto, CA. All I do is sit around, tryin to organize myself.
I've been writing this paper for the last month and a half, had to take an extension, and I just can't get it organized or concise, which is my general problem. It's actual the fatal problem, if you want to write, or do anything successfully, which I do. That and I need to think of 'big questions.' In graduate school, the main thing you do is 'come up with questions.' "What is the big question you are trying to ask?" is a common phrase I hear a great deal of here. Maybe if I were brighter I could think of something.
I never considered myself particularly intelligent or good at anything; just a dumb kid from a shithole who tried with all his might to get where he is in life, which is not anywhere particularly great, but he's still trying. He doesn't know how much harder he can try, but he'll try to try harder. Try to try.
I understand the fear of failure, though: it hurts a million times worse knowing that your best isn't good enough than it does cop-out and never face the cold reality. And it really is cold. You feel a cold shiver up and down your back, up your neck like a mullet, and around your head like a crown of shame.
I know that the typical psychiatric response is to say something like "you should love yourself anyway," or "your success in life doesn't reflect your worth as a human being," or even "you just haven't found out what you're good at." Well, I'm not particularly good at anything (plenty of career tests have told me that), I don't know if anything reflects a person's value, and I guess I'll try to love myself, but I don't really see why, especially if I'm a complete ass-hat.
Nevertheless, there's something to be said. Just because you don't feel valuable does not mean that you aren't. Your very existence has some immeasurable value to it. This is the religious response to the sorts of personal distress noted above. I simply haven't found a secular response that isn't utilitarian or mechanical in some way. There may be. My philosophy, anthropology, and theology have always been quite negative; I think the key is to accept the limitations of your own mind and abilities and let them be. I may not be good at doing the things I enjoy, like painting, cooking, math, philsophy, basketball, writing scholarly articles, or thinking deeply, but we're all just going to die anyways. Whatever important thing you do in life doesn't really matter. God be praised.
For my break I'm back home at my folks' in the great city of Modesto, CA. All I do is sit around, tryin to organize myself.
I've been writing this paper for the last month and a half, had to take an extension, and I just can't get it organized or concise, which is my general problem. It's actual the fatal problem, if you want to write, or do anything successfully, which I do. That and I need to think of 'big questions.' In graduate school, the main thing you do is 'come up with questions.' "What is the big question you are trying to ask?" is a common phrase I hear a great deal of here. Maybe if I were brighter I could think of something.
I never considered myself particularly intelligent or good at anything; just a dumb kid from a shithole who tried with all his might to get where he is in life, which is not anywhere particularly great, but he's still trying. He doesn't know how much harder he can try, but he'll try to try harder. Try to try.
I understand the fear of failure, though: it hurts a million times worse knowing that your best isn't good enough than it does cop-out and never face the cold reality. And it really is cold. You feel a cold shiver up and down your back, up your neck like a mullet, and around your head like a crown of shame.
I know that the typical psychiatric response is to say something like "you should love yourself anyway," or "your success in life doesn't reflect your worth as a human being," or even "you just haven't found out what you're good at." Well, I'm not particularly good at anything (plenty of career tests have told me that), I don't know if anything reflects a person's value, and I guess I'll try to love myself, but I don't really see why, especially if I'm a complete ass-hat.
Nevertheless, there's something to be said. Just because you don't feel valuable does not mean that you aren't. Your very existence has some immeasurable value to it. This is the religious response to the sorts of personal distress noted above. I simply haven't found a secular response that isn't utilitarian or mechanical in some way. There may be. My philosophy, anthropology, and theology have always been quite negative; I think the key is to accept the limitations of your own mind and abilities and let them be. I may not be good at doing the things I enjoy, like painting, cooking, math, philsophy, basketball, writing scholarly articles, or thinking deeply, but we're all just going to die anyways. Whatever important thing you do in life doesn't really matter. God be praised.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
SBL N'worlins
Well it's Thursday, thanksgivin'. I am thankful for the many friends that I've made here at Chicago.
Over the weekend I had traveled to New Orleans to attend the annual Society of Biblical Literature meeting. I recall that last year I had attended many meetings, but this time I only went to about four because I wanted to see the city.
Mr. Howell and I ate gator, we went to a couple jazz and ragtyme shows, I went to cemetaries, voodoo places, and katrina towns. It was moving.
So I got back on tuesday and have been hanging out by my lonesome, except Irene finally showed up last night.
Not a very exciting blog, eh?
Over the weekend I had traveled to New Orleans to attend the annual Society of Biblical Literature meeting. I recall that last year I had attended many meetings, but this time I only went to about four because I wanted to see the city.
Mr. Howell and I ate gator, we went to a couple jazz and ragtyme shows, I went to cemetaries, voodoo places, and katrina towns. It was moving.
So I got back on tuesday and have been hanging out by my lonesome, except Irene finally showed up last night.
Not a very exciting blog, eh?
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